I'm not sure if my story belongs in this subforum, but it's the closest thing I could find, so here it goes. I'll try to explain as best I can. It will be long, so I apologize for the wall of text. This may also be triggering for some people. But yeah, I really just want someone to listen, so I'd appreciate anyone reading this.

So I have a younger cousin. Let's call her M. She's about 6 or 7 years younger than me. Right now, she'd be in her early teens. In these past years, I'd say we've gotten along pretty well. Though, we haven't always gotten along all that well. When I was in my early teens myself, I didn't have much patience for my younger cousins, and I probably wasn't the nicest kid back then. But that's beside the point, I digress.

See, when I was around the age of 12 or 13, and when M was about 7 or so, we had an "incident" that led to me doing some things I'm not proud of. Like I said, I didn't get along with her back then, but I was probably the closest thing she had to an older brother back then. So, like any child, she always wanted to play and hang out with me. Sometimes she would have to pester me to say yes. Well...one day she apparently decided to do something different. I'm not sure if we were arguing about something, but I'm pretty sure she was trying to convince me to do something. So basically she, well...she took me into a closet, and asked if I wanted to see something. Then she er...she pulled down her underwear and just kind of started showing off her "lady parts" at me.

Now, thinking back at it, I'm not entirely sure what would give a 7 year old girl the idea of coercing her older cousin by doing such a thing. I mean, I honestly couldn't tell you what was going through her head. But pre-teen me didn't think about that. All I thought was "Oh hey, a girl's private parts. I've never gotten to see that before. I wonder if I could see more?"
She did eventually put her pants back on and we resumed whatever we were talking about(albeit very awkwardly). But that sparked some curiosity in my head. For a few days, or even weeks maybe, whenever we were alone, I would ask her something along the lines of "Hey, can we go in the closet and do that thing again?". And she would go along with it. No touching or anything. Just...me staring. And, like before, we'd resume whatever we were doing afterwards. We'd even make a little kiddy "fort" in the closet to hide behind just incase anyone walked in.

Then, eventually I started to feel guilty about it. At the time, all I knew is that what we were doing was kind of "naughty". And I suppose at the time I was probably thinking some BS about "Santa knowing what I did" (And I was a goody-goody two-shoes kid so back then I was pretty damn worried about making it on dat Santa list). So I just said to her "Hey, this is bad. We shouldn't be doing this anymore". And yeah...we just kind of stopped doing it. Never brought it up again. As both of us got older, I started being less of a prick to my little cousins and we started getting along a lot better. She even seemed to trust me more and open up to me more. It felt more like a normal relationship between two cousins/siblings and less spiteful and mean.

But, as I got older, and I learned more about sex and the do's and dont's...I realized that what I had been asking her to do back then could actually be considered really screwed up and severe depending on who you ask. Some people might just right it off as two kids playing doctor and getting a little too naughty, but some others might see me and think of me as a pedophile in the making or something like that. And I gave that some legitimate thought. I really didn't have any kind of attraction to kids or any problems being a sexual deviant. I just didn't really understand sexuality back then, and for some reason my younger cousin was willing to indulge my curiosity. That didn't stop me from feeling guilty though. Because, to be honest, my cousin was somewhat of a troubled child, even before we did our little naughty business in the closet. As far as parents go, she had her single mother and that was it. Her mother was also extremely moody and always nagged and griped at her for every little thing. Not to mention the fact that M apparently developed a terrible habit of looking at porn as she got older. No idea how she found it on the internet, but apparently it didn't gross her out enough to scare her away. She also got a lot quieter as she got older and would rarely talk about her feelings to anyone. We still don't really know what exactly is going on with her, but we know she's got mental/emotional issues.

Meanwhile, as I grew up, this guilt would keep eating away at me. I'd have long periods of time where I could go weeks or months without thinking about it. Where I could live my life as a normal teenager and not be dragged down by depression. And yes, I did eventually get diagnosed with clinical depression when I first started college. Though I was depressed for completely different reasons. But I did go see a counselor, I got on some meds, and I started fighting back against it. What's ironic though, is that the guilt from that incident had me depressed and thinking suicidal thoughts LONG before that. Like, I started really struggling with chronic depression around age 18, which is when I started counselling. But the thoughts of guilt had been beating me down since the beginning of high school.

Fast forward to today, and my parents and I have moved to a different state, away from the rest of our family. M and her mother have visited once, and we still get along pretty well. She still looks up to me and loves playing my video games and whatnot, as always. The rest of our family still loves me and thinks I'm the sweetest cousin ever for always being there for M. But none of them know what we did. Again, I know some people might write it off as two kids being morbidly curious. But I was still older than her, I should have known better. And considering how she's got mental issues, I feel like I MIGHT have been a cause of that. Maybe not, but the chance is there. Nobody knows except for a few friends I've confessed to about it. They've just tried to tell me not to worry about it, that I was too young when it happened for me to actually get in trouble with the police or anything(Which is what I was afraid of). Some of those friends have also something along the lines of "A girl at her age wouldn't normally have enough understanding of sex/sexuality to try and act provocative in front of an older sibling, so she probably had already experienced some form of sexual abuse beforehand."
And they could be right...but I'm still not sure. I feel awful about it either way, and I wish I could help. Yet she's miles away, still living with her mean mother. I've HEARD they're going to counselling together but I have no idea what they've talked about so far. And I've always thought that if I am to blame for her problems, I probably would be more harm than help anyways.

And probably the biggest problem I have is that hearing any kind of stories about rape or sexual abuse triggers the living hell out of me. I know I never actually touched her, but most people would hate me nonetheless. If people knew what happened, whether it be someone in my family, or even strangers, I'd be hated. Society wouldn't care about the circumstances. It doesn't matter that I was also just a little kid back then. I'd still be a freak to the rest of the world no matter what I say, because I asked a little girl to do something sexual, which is just plain wrong. I hear about all these sexual abuse stories on the news or the internet, and I've just gotten to the point of thinking that I'm no better than the heartless, remorseless sex offenders that everyone says should rot in prison(or hell).

Ever since I started fighting back against my depression, I've found a lot of reasons to be passionate about wanting to live. A lot of hopes and dreams, goals for life, etc. The usual things...going to college, getting an education, getting a good job, settling down with a wife and kids. You know, the American dream?
But then every time I remember that incident, and I realize that I could have had a negative impact on my cousin's mental health...I think: "Her life is screwed up right now. Why do I deserve any better if I'm to blame? I'm lucky that this entire thing is a secret. If my family knew, things would never be the same. Even if I did make some friends or find a girlfriend in this new town I've moved to...they'd be freaked out too if they knew what I did." And then the suicidal thoughts just start rushing back.

I've thought about bringing it back up again with M again next time I see her, and trying to apologize for it. I've thought about telling my family. I can't bring myself to do either though. I know people on the internet probably won't have answers for me. But I just wanted to get it off my chest.
And maybe even beg the question: Am I wrong about all these negative thoughts? Or have I hit the nail on the head? I'd wonder what people would think, but obviously I'm too afraid to tell anyone in real life. So here I am. If you've read this far, thanks for listening. Sorry for the wall of text.