Hi all, I'm new here.

I think coming to terms with how my life is going to look is a process. I knew she was bipolar before we even started dating, but in recent years I've thoroughly learned what that really means.

She's completely med compliant, she goes to therapy, goes to her psychiatrist, goes to her bipolar support group. I'm sure they all help immensely, but what that appears to mean is that there's more distance between the inevitable episodes. Nothing can stop the episodes outright.

In the spaces between episodes, we make plans. She throws herself into work (or finds new work, having lost old work as a result of the last episode), she tries new things, her ambition comes back and she talks about all the things she wants to do. I think we sometimes talk as if bipolar is over and we can have a normal life.

And then another episode comes along and wipes it all out.

I am so, so tired. I feel helpless. I worry that if anything happens to me she won't be able to make it on her own because she can't keep a job longer than about a year. Every time this happens I feel the urge to go and up the life insurance policy I took out on myself. If I died tomorrow, how big of a sum would I need to leave her to make sure she was okay for the rest of her life? Is $1,000,000 enough to last a whole life? Probably not. And what about her health insurance? I can't leave her that and her meds cost about $1600 a month without really good Rx insurance - that's of course not counting the cost of doctors visits and therapy.

And I'm also angry. I'll admit it's not my best look, but the feelings are there nevertheless. Angry at the fact that I'll never get to have a marriage without this dark cloud hanging over. Angry at the fact that I don't feel like she does everything she can to alleviate her condition (exercise, not eating junk food, insuring she gets adequate sleep). And then angry at myself for being angry and having those selfish feelings.

I just don't know anymore. I feel demoralized and sad and scared and hopeless at the same time. I hate bipolar so much, and I'm not even the one that has to live with in lurking in my brain.

Thanks for reading.