All my life I have been purposefully excluded from, asked specifically not to be a part of, or otherwise given the cold shoulder for no apparent reason.

When I was small, friends I thought I had and could trust began asking not to have me over to play, or to be asked to come over to play. No reason was given, and I was left to find activities that would only require myself to take part in. Mostly I would draw, daydream, read and eventually found the world of gaming. If those weren't available, I would just pull out a board game like LIFE and play along with stuffed animals as the other players. Sure, it was boring, but it was better than just sitting around, looking out the window and watching the other children play, not wanting me to participate along with them.

This sort of exclusion accompanied me through my little brother's nearly fatal bout with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia, where I couldn't spend as much time with my mother who was busy tending to my brother's needs at the hospital in the city two and a half hours away from our house in a small Midwestern town. That was a lonely time. Mostly because my mother and I usually did a lot of activities together, and as my brother grew to need hospitalization, I had to be "grown up' all of a sudden and not feel resentment and anger towards him having the majority of her attention. I couldn't really stop the resentment and anger though, and it simmered inside of me, quietly like hidden storm.

It was around then that my Dad, at the peak of his stress, hit me so hard at one point my wrist broke. He was never all that good at managing his anger, and I guess I inherited his penchant for being aggressive at times, rather than constructively allowing my anger to dissipate.

The loneliness and anger went past the downright traumatic experience of being bullied and pranked because I was seemingly, that quiet girl who was all alone and an easy target. So much so that a middle school classmate of mine downright tormented me and probably left some damaging psychological and emotional scars. Over the years, my pain and suffering has diminished, and I've grown to pity that classmate, more or less, knowing she'll probably always be manipulative and hurtful towards others and not really knowing what it's like to spread kindness and peace. However, the feelings of being triggered when I'm specifically asked not to join a conversation always follows me.

My sadness at these feelings of isolation and loneliness within me led me to begin planning an end to my life after I graduated high school. However, a year before that was to take place, my uncle, whom married my Mom's sister, lost his struggle with Bipolar and took his own life. I saw the sheer amount of people coming to pay their last respects, the pain and suffering his actions brought to us, his family and loved ones, and the shattered pieces of a once happy life he left his wife and children to pick up and try to put back in some semblance of order.

I knew my own death wouldn't bring very many mourners, and it would cost my parents a substancial sum to pay for the funeral, not to mention how pained I would make them, having their minds constantly going through the "what ifs" for years afterword. So I permanently postponed my plan, and made a vow not to cause pain to anyone I cared deeply about. No need to make more pain.

That brings me to my main point of this this thread. My anger, resentment and feelings of being triggered all center around the central concept of not being part of a conversation. I know in my head I don't have to be a part of EVERY conversation on this planet, but the hunger and need to find some way to finally feel included still dwells powerfully within me. I know that we have an ignore feature on here, and I respect the use of it by other members against me, but that doesn't stop the flood of these emotions from coming out all at once.

I tend to have very overpowering emotions that do the talking and thinking for me most of the time. I guess that comes with the territory of MI, and also with being red headed (and being a Scorpio as well, if you subscribe to Astrology). I should also add that I'm of Belgian and German decent, with Irish-Scottish and Danish all sprinkled in for good measure. Guess the Irish blood is strong within me, eh?

With all these factors, no matter how truthful they are, come together, it makes for one very complex mass of emotions bubbling within me most, if not all, the time. This is but a caldera inside of me, just short of bursting into a full blown super eruption that spills over everywhere.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I am psychologically in a state of feeling starved and deprived of inclusion and acceptance, so I guess I overcompensate, then when it fails, or someone isn't seeing things the same way I am, I blow up.

Is there ANY way I can "rewire" my psyche to feel satiated socially? Or will I forever feel but a hair away from perishing from being on the outside looking in?

Meh, I'm going to end this...whatever this is, right here. Be it a rant, an explanation, or a question. I'm rather lost on what I was trying to do.