I watch too much conspiracy stuff. It's the closest thing I have to a hobby. Recently, I downloaded and was listening to one man's lectures on how we're being socially engineered to asically downgrade ourselves and "cull our own population", mainly by destroying the character of people in general. By "feminizing" men to be compliant and unquestioning, and conditioning women to be okay with that.

I certainly seem to be "conditioned" despite lacking access to many of the things that allegedly cause it:





(I didn't bother with part three)

*I hate sex and find it disgusting. I'm not even kidding when I say my disturbance over that is one of the main reasons I'm trying to get feedback on here that isn't a conspiracy echo-chamber. According to this, I'm like this not as a normal variation or due to any screwups of my brain that misinterpreted things, but because I'm culturally brainwashed. And of course, my view that sex is a power game can't possibly have any validity to it, right???

I really like Passio's view of what sex should be - an emotional, intimate bonding experience. u it's an ideal, and an ideal that's incredibly susceptible to being used against someone. I actually don't see the "monetary" interpretation too much IRL - more like it's no different from eating a nice meal or playing a game. Fun, but nothing special. Which is disturbing to me.

In all honestly, I kind of support a somewhat "puritanical" view of sex, and if anything, shouldn't abstinence promote spiritual, "familial" bonding?

I don't know where he gets this crazy shiz that we're really super-repressed. I don't see it among people in general. :/

*I view money as security. No, it isn't perfect security, and listening to the conspiracy circuit has actually made me want to learn more off-the-grid type survival skills and be able to do more for myself; and I find I'm getting pretty disillusioned already with the working lifestyle. But I maintain (unless it's brainwashing and therefore wrong) that money is not itself bad, it's just a tool. You use it to acquire things, needed and not. If you do unscrupulous things to get money, or worship it like a religion, then there's a problem.

*No, I do not want a man who's ruggedly independent, "strong", or whatever else. It hurts to admit but it's too threatening. I want someone I can be "weak" with, whom I don't have to be afraid of.

There's other stuff too, but I can't think of it atm. Hopefully this doesn't get edited out or anything, though it's mostly a vent/rant on some new reasons to not trust myself...