Most of you don't know me but I've been a member here for a little over 11 years... I don't come around much anymore unless things get really bad, so here I am.

I'm finding myself increasingly on the edge... I'm not sure where to begin. I guess to start, I feel under tremendous pressure... To make a long story short, my older daughter doesn't seem to be capable of taking care of herself and her 3 children. I have given her all the support I can financially, emotionally and from a practical standpoint. I am babysitting my grandkids several days a week... I love them dearly, but frankly I can't take the stress, it is making me ill. They are ages 4, 2 and 11 months, as you can imagine they are quite a handful! Most of the time things are ok, they are basically good kids, but I find myself growing increasingly angry and frustrated when they are here. I'm a pretty mellow guy by nature, and I'm about as far from violent as it gets, but sometimes I get so angry I worry about what might happen... The stress has me on the verge of a major depression (maybe I'm already there?)

My daughter refuses to do anything to help herself-she stays at a crap job that doesn't pay her enough to live even though she has the training to get a decent job. My wife and I provided substantial financial assistance when she and her husband split up, I've really done all I can in that regard. We had to drag her around to get her assistance, and we're the ones who are having to make sure the kids are signed up for health care and she won't get any help with childcare even though she qualifies. I'm really at the end of my rope with her, but I can't stand the idea of my grandkids being homeless (she was evicted from her last apartment and will soon get evicted from the place we got her, she hasn't even paid her first month's rent and the landlord is calling me already).

Moving along, I play music on the weekends 1) to make some extra money (I'm on disability) and 2) because I have to, I've been a musician all my life. The time I spend on stage is really the only time I feel anything akin to joy but it is becoming less and less satisfying because we are becoming really stale because two of our members are doing a duo act several times a week which is interfering with rehearsing and learning new material, so things are getting really old. I also find myself performing less and less... The duo was supposed to be something that happened on weeknights but they are booking more and more dates on the weekends, thus cutting me out of not only income but also the only real release I have.

To continue, I find that my marriage is becoming less and less satisfying... We are not intimate anymore, neither physically or emotionally. I kniow that my problems have contributed greatly to this, but I don't know how to even begin to deal with it.

So I guess to sum up, I find myself increasingly loveless, joyless and under stress. I don't know how to handle things anymore. I think I'm probably too chicken to actually hurt myself, and the thought of the pain that would inflict on my family is likely enough to keep that from happening, but I'm afraid of what outlet all this will find. I really don't know what to do... If I call my pdoc or check in to the crisis center all they will do is give me a bunch of meds to numb me out... What good does that do in the long run? Besides, I get my care at a clinic that mainly does contract work for the state providing care for low-income clients (like me). They are extremely busy and short staffed to boot, so I wouldn't be able to get any sort of help other than them calling in some more meds...

At any rate, I appreciate any of you who have read this... I find that I can say stuff here that I cannot anywhere else, I guess because of the basically anonymous nature of the forums. I feel somewhat better for having written this, plus the kids have been relatively good as I write. (WHEW!!!)

Thanks for listening!