I just had my appointment. It went much better than I thought it would given my pdoc was against my tapering off everything. He still is but was very supportive and let me know he is there for me if things go good or bad. That was nice to know.

I told him I agree with him that this is going to end badly, but I think it is worth it to not deal with side-effects and saying that I am sensitive to psychotropics is a understatement. My pdoc says he has never seen anyone more sensitive than I am.

I will probably crash and end up in the psych ward again but if I can even have one day that I am somewhere near normal that would be worth it. I do have lots of energy now that my testosterone levels are coming back to normal but it is not really a very good thing because it seems to make my anxiety and depression worse somehow. I really don't think I will crash so badly I become actively suicidal. I am so used to my depression since I have had it for so long and I am started to be accustomed to anxiety and psychosis. I have suicidal thoughts daily for nearly 2 decades so even that is "normal" to me. We will see.

I am just waiting on my new prescription in the mail to start my Remeron taper. This one scares me the most as I forgot to take it once and woke up with physically painful anxiety so I am going to do it very slowly. I am going to step down 7.5mg at a time and stop and reassess at 15mg. It is worthless to me as an antidepressant but it helps me sleep and the last time I was at 15mg I had no side-effects. Before Remeron, I would be up for 30-50 hours straight and that did me no favors. I am going to try to get past 30mg quickly because that dosage causes me significant weight gain and I have lost about 50 pounds in the last year and gaining anything more than 5 would be disheartening.

After that, Klonopin but I only take 1mg a day so I am hoping it is not too painful.