Hello AeonycRiot: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time with these intrusive thoughts. I think I will avoid saying anything about what you & your cousin did. I don't know as there's anything I could say you haven't already heard.

What I will tell you is that I have an ocean liner full of guilt, shame & regret. Hardly a moment goes by that something or other doesn't trigger some difficult thought. And, like you, I am convinced anyone who really knew my story would want to have nothing to do with me. (I'm not so sure that's really true in your case. I'm quite certain it is absolutely true in mine. As a result, I save people the trouble & simply keep to myself.)

Are you wrong about all of these negative thoughts? Well... that's not for me to say. It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what you think. The fact is the thoughts are there. And you need to deal with them if you're going to have any peace.

I recall you wrote you've seen a counselor. I don't know what "flavor" of counselor this was, if you got into any of this, or for how long you saw this person. My perspective is that you need to get with a skilled mental health therapist & delve into all of this in-depth over a period of time. You can't likely resolve this in one or two quick sessions. It's going to take time & work.

Perhaps there may come a time when you can talk with your cousin & / or your family about this. But my personal opinion is you're not ready for that yet. Until you've come to terms with this experience, you're only likely to make the whole situation worse. A skilled therapist could help you to figure out the best way to handle a discussion with your cousin or your family on this topic. And do note I've written "skilled therapist" a couple of times here. It can take a few tries to find the right one for you. Not every therapist works well with every client.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!