My son just broke my heart . The poor thing came out of his room asking me if I missed Daddy. I said of course I do. Then he said why. So I said because daddy was my best friend, and he was just the best guy ever. Then my poor child asked what would happen to him when me and his grandmother (my mother, whom we live with) die. He said he will be all alone. I assured him that I will not die for a very long time, and neither will grammy. And I also assured him that when we do die, he will NOT be alone, because he will have friends and a wife of his own. Of course I do not know if any of this is true, but it seems like the best course of action to tell a six year old.

He's so worried about me dying and him being alone. I feel so bad. If i could, I would punch my husband in the face right now for putting him through this. He asked me where Daddy died, and I couldn't answer...I don't want him to know the awful details of that night. He said Daddy died in the bathroom because he saw Daddy throwing up in the bathroom. HOW ****ING AWFUL. Now I don't know if he saw him the night he died or if he just saw him in general, because my husband had a weak stomach and threw up often. But what if he DID see him throwing up on that day? How ****ing terrible. I don't know, I was in bed by nine o clock because I was suffering from depression. Chris was asleep when I went to sleep, but he could have come out of his room and seen his dad throwing up. And then the next morning he was gone.

He's worried because of my stomach problems. I mentioned I might have to have surgery and he freaked out and said "But will you still be alive?" and I had to assure him that I would be, it was routine surgery, IF it even has to happen. I feel SO ****ing bad for my baby. I remember that fear, that absolute terror that my other parent was going to die. It was awful. I don't want him to feel like that.

But I've done better than my mom did for me. I have assured him that it is ok and it is normal to miss his dad, and that he can come talk to me any time and he doesn't have to worry about upsetting me. I hope he takes that to heart. I don't ever want him to be afraid of talking to me for fear of upsetting me.

It's just a hard night tonight i wish things weren't this way. I wish my husband hadn't been so ****ing stupid. My sister in law said he talked to her the other day and then she said she told him to come to me, but he knows better than to come to me right now because I am LIVID. I want to erase anything that reminds me of him because i'm so ****ing pissed with him right now. HOW COULD HE. HOW COULD HE ABANDON US LIKE THIS. For what? TO GET HIGH? He knew it could kill him and he didn't ****ing care.

My rational brain knows that it was his addiction and he couldn't help it and maybe someday I will forgive him but that time is not right now.

Forgive the long post, I just have no one to talk to right now. So I come here. You guys are my friends.

On another, random note, I have to review an organization for my mental health project for my class and I chose PsychCentral :-D I'm learning all about this website and how it came to be!