Thank you Perna,

I don't know how to want 'mothering' or nuturing or whatever in an adult way. It feels so childish to me and that makes me feel ashamed.

I understand what you mean about the third person / third ear in therapy. I think I don't want to see some things better. I think I'm afraid if I come to understand my mother and all that goes with that, I will be expected to accept her/it and somehow that seems as if it will invalidate me. I don't know if that makes sense but it's the best way I can put it.

lol at your funhouse mirrors analogy. Yeah, that's what it feels like sometimes.. sudden and out of focus and scary and as if it does just 'jump out' from somewhere.