I've been working on healing from the trauma of my dad not loving me. I suffer from a digestive disorder that often leads to embarrassing situations, and I actually believe (as did my former therapist) that my childhood trauma is coming through in these symptoms - my dad couldn't love me then, and now I wonder whether anyone could when I have this 'disgusting' condition..

The thing is, I haven't been meeting people halfway. I feel I should be doing everything and anything I possibly can to ensure my condition affects my relationships as little as possible.. But on the contrary, I've let myself get to my lowest point and in a way, am daring people to love me like this..

The other day, I realised that because my dad not loving me felt SO insanely intense, I feel that someone loving me now should be just as intense.. It's like I've learned that everything has to happen in extremes.

But I don't want this anymore. My truest self actually loves peace. I love it when things are easy. I want to do my bit, and then let others do theirs - or not. The ones who don't aren't 'my' people.. But I do want to try and make it a bit easier for people to love me - as easy as possible! Making things hard for myself AND others isn't getting me anywhere, it's just slowly killing me as my life's a mess..

I don't want to keep living in the 'war zone'..