Thanks everyone. I hope I'm doing the right thing. There's no manual on how to help your young son through grief. So I'm doing and saying all the things I wish my mom had done and said for me. That's the best I can do.

I just woke up from a dream about my husband. It was a pleasant dream, we were planning our wedding. But In it he was also using drugs. So not entirely pleasant. Usually dreams like this make me sad for the whole day because I miss him so much. But I'm so angry I just want to tell him to **** off and stop coming into my dreams.

I do have a therapist to talk to about all this so that's good. She's a really good therapist. And I've been considering putting my son in play therapy. im not sure yet if it's necessary. I have to find a good therapist because the last therapist I took him to (before my husband died, when he was having trouble in pre school) was a weirdo. He had a tantrum in her office because she wanted him to sit down and do this eye movement thing that I think he was too young to understand, and she made me restrain him. I was really uncomfortable with tha it made me feel horrible. He wasn't hurting himself, just kicking the couch. I don't think it was necessary to restrain him. We never went back to her after that. It kind of put me off child therapists. But this would be different because he's not having behavioral problems, just showing grief and anxiety.

It's just so hard. I am so thankful I've been stable for so long because I wouldn't be able to handle this if I wasn't. I can only hope it continues through the winter, as I typically get depressed in the winter.

Sigh...I just wish my husband had thought about the risks of what he was doing. But I know as an addict he didn't care. I mean, I keep smoking even though I know the risks. I'm trying to quit now but it's really hard. So I understand on a small level.

Doesn't mean I'm not pissed as hell though.