Hi sunny. I'm feeling better today, thanks for asking.

I think the fear comes from several places. One is the initial meeting with her where she stated she likes to meet with someone several times to see if she feels it would be a good fit and they could work well together. (So she thought it was a good fit because we are working together and also because I came right out and asked her after several sessions). Another is that I read on sites and in books that a good candidate for analysis is someone who is basically sturdy (independent, employed, social, etc). I have said several times that I'm afraid she'll tell me to go away or to see someone else. I just said it again last session; she of course turned it around and asked if I'd had thoughts of seeing someone else! No!! Even her asking that scared me. (I guess I should tell her that it scared me. idk)

Supportive therapy versus explorative. Do they have to be separate? I initially told her I was there for depression and anxiety and that I was curious about how the mind works and exploring that. I wanted to do this because years of meds didn't help and so I went off them to see what I was like. I realized my moods are primarily reactionary and fluctuate by the hour, the moment.. even though they can last days too. .....So.... now that I'm finding I want supportive therapy, is that too much or is it something different than the course we set out on and will it make her not want to work with me. Or was I confused about supportive/explorative and they are not exclusive but are both part of the process?

It comes too from feeling like I am too much. Too needy. A bother. "Don't need me" and "Grow UP!!" are what I heard so often growing up. I know that was then and this is now...but knowing doesn't always help.

If I fall apart in there... she will 'see' me. If she sees me she'll be disgusted, repulsed. She could reject me, leave me.

She keeps telling me to trust the process, to stay with it, that I'm doing just fine, and I'm right where I need to be. When I'm there I can believe it; when I'm not there.. it's gone and then it digresses to where I am now.