Every weekend I sit at home alone with nothing to do. For the past year I have been broke barely able to make budget. I'm trying to claim bankruptcy but haven't been able to pay off the lawyer. In fact only have made one payment.
I'm alone and been single for longer than I could imagine. I'm fat lost my figure, lost my way. I used to be a beast in the gym, now I'm lucky if I make it once a week. I'm depressed. I don't want to get out of bed. Their is no point.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I try affirmations, I try to think of my positive qualities. I think those qualities died and I'm just existing. Their is so much I want to do, want to be in a relationship, finish my degree and get a better job, be financially sound. I'm hurting.
I don't know if this is what my pdoc warned me off. She said I will feel down, cause she is taking me off of cymbalta and onto pristiq. I'm just so lonely and it hurts so much. Every time I miss the gym or mma class it hurts and I feel guilty. Every time,r I buy out of budget I hurt. Missing this wedding today hurt, but to be honest I don't know if I'd be in so much pain as the wedding last year where I was all alone.
I set my alarm for 6 with the hope I go to the gym and have a good workout. I want to look good again. I set goals such as benching 300 lbs by February and squatting four hundred and getting into a size 36 waist. But I have done nothing to get there.
I read a book how to be a badass, one thing that stuck is be what you want to be. In other words be the change you want to be. If you want to have a body builder physique do what they do eat right, eat protein, socialize with others at the gym read books on lifting magazines. I think that's the way but I also want to have a life. So do stuff that people with lives do. Go out socialize, be friendly, be funny. I think I still have those traits but when it's time to come out it doesn't.
I tried affirmations and I do feel good sometimes. I want to show the world how great I am, but I don't think I even love myself. I hate what I became. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to be fat, I don't want to have no life, I don't want to be broke, I don't want to be single, I don't want to be like my father, I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be the me I see myself as. Fit, personable, friendly, financially sound. I want to enjoy xmas this year and have a special someone to buy a gift for besides my family. I want to have a date for my best friends wedding. I don't want to be alone.
Sorry to ramble but I need to get this out.