details aside - I'm on an island and my wife was really sick back home with the kids. It had been around 12 hours since I had heard from her by call or text.


I couldn't stop the images of her having died and my two young children trying to wake her up... trying to cuddle with her... pry her eyes open... not knowing to go to the neighbor's apartment for help or yelling for the security guards or the maint staff of go to the friend's mom down the hall.


The images kept coming.


Then "The Dragon" which I don't hear much of now after starting on meds became unleashed for the first time in a few weeks. "You can't take care of your kids with your wife dead. You are no good to them. You are crazy. You have life insurance though. Go to the cliffs and just go. You should be dead and your kids would be better off with your insurance than with you." And it kept going and going. I had no intent to follow-through... but I still walked to the cliff edge to see what it looked like, if it would do the job. I wasn't suicidal, but I guess you would call it suicidal ideation.


After a few others my wife texted - the internet was down at our apartment. The Dragon stuck around for awhile.


I wish I could let my guard down. I wish the meds would keep the Dragon at at bay for real... maybe at a higher dose? Maybe this is just the way it is.