I just want to vent--

I'm currently mixed.

For the past few nights, I've stayed up all night ruminating about negative things I've experienced in life. Some of these negative things have happened recently, while others have happened far, far in the past. I know I shouldn't focus on the past, as there is nothing I can do to change the past, but I can't help it.

I literally stare at the ceiling all night long, unable to sleep due to excessive energy, and yet, I don't feel like doing anything. This is when negative thoughts begin to flood in.

After some time, these thoughts begin to race through my head faster than I can process them. I can't focus on any one thought, but I catch "glimpses" of each negative thought.

"You're a failure."
"You forgot to turn off the oven, dumbass."
"Why did you say that to Matt 5 years ago?"
"What is your problem?"

I think this feeling is worse than the feeling you get when focusing on a single negative thought for several hours.

And as I try to curl up in my bed and hide under the blankets, as if my blanket would "protect" me from these negative thoughts, I find myself focusing more and more on these negative thoughts. I feel the intensity of these thoughts increasing exponentially.

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I also have thoughts about times where I should have done something, but instead stood there silently, doing nothing. These events invoke "guilty" thoughts. I then tell myself, "What is f_ck is wrong with you?"

Sometimes I also feel guilty about my failures. For example, maybe I did something the wrong way, and if I had spent an extra, say, hour on the task, maybe things would have turned out a lot better. I don't feel "worthless" per se, but pretty close to it.

* * *

All of these negative thoughts immobilize me; I can't get out of bed to distract myself. I don't know why. It's as if, figuratively, there's some external force at work preventing me from leaving my bed.

It's so bizarre to think about, though. I'm torturing myself? That's literally what it is. Obviously I don't have control over these negative thoughts, as they're due to a chemical imbalance, but I am technically torturing myself. I wish there was a way I could hold myself back. It's like I'm my own executioner.

* * *

Anyway, sorry if this post was too long and pointless to read, and sorry if my writing sucks. I'm mostly venting so that I don't feel super fcking guilty and upset anymore.