I had therapy this morning. He said, "We are going to be a different room this week." It was a room we had never been in before. I walk in and it is set up completely different from the other rooms we are normally in. There is a big stuffed penguin the analytic couch. I say, "There is a penguin in the room." And he said, "Yes there is. You are not hallucinating." In this particular room the chairs are so much closer. The distance between the chairs basically cut in half from what it usually is in the other rooms. We sat down and it was so foreign to be so close to him, but it felt so good. I could see every aspect of him. I didn't have to ask, "Whaaat?" 12 times. My chair wasn't particularly comfortable. In the other rooms I sit in a pretty comfortable arm chair. In this room it was just a regular chair, something you would find in a waiting room. However, I would have sat on a traffic cone in order to be that close to him, so I didn't really care.

I wondered if he picked that room on purpose because last week I kept telling him how far away I felt. It is interesting the way physical and emotional closeness are interrelated. I thought it was interesting that he picked this room because it was a Saturday-- I couldn't imagine that all of the other rooms were filled, but who knows? I didn't tell him yet, but I am going to tell him how much I liked to be in that room; to be that close to him. There was a completely different level of intimacy.

At the end of the session he said, "What do you think about Saturday sessions?" I said that I loved them-- that they were much better than Fridays. He said, "Do you want to do next Saturday then?"

I love the way my T supports me. I left him that msg. yesterday about going back with my previous pdoc-- he said he already called pdoc and is sure that he will hear from him soon.

Oh and by the way... just an update... I still haven't heard from my current (ex?) pdoc. I just can't believe he would neglect the situation like this. Furthermore, I have yet to receive the order in the mail for the blood levels.

Today was a really good session. I have been writing T a series of nighly letters as a way to stay connected. I turned all of these letters over to him today. He read them during session (last ten minutes) so we didn't have too much of a chance to discuss. We will next week. Some of the content of the letters included:

--How sometimes I want, so badly, to hold some of my patients, but I know that I can't. I wonder if he ever feels that he wants to put his arms around me.

--That on a particular night this week I said that I wish I never met him because therapy with him %#@&#! hurts.

I also gave him my Erickson paper that I did for school this week-- analyzing myself with respect to the psychosocial stages. It provided lots of interesting memories and insights.

We talked about the parallels between my relationship with him and my relationship with my husband. I told him how with my husband sometimes I feel as though if I walked out (which I wouldn't do-- it's just hypothetical), that my husband would not be distraught; rather he would just go on with his life. I told T I feel like that with him, too. That he can reciprocate the feelings and care about me, but only in directly contact-- either in session or on the phone.

When I was talking about my depression and how sometimes it feels like I just can't push myself anymore T said, "You never give yourself enough credit for the things you do." Then he said, "You should give yourself credit always being here.' And I said, "I feel like I would deserve credit only if I could walk way." I also said, "Yeah, wow-- let's give credit to someone who is so insanely attached to her therapist that she couldn't walk away if she tried." He asked, "What do you think that would do to me if you walked away?" And that's why I started talking about how if I left my husband maybe he would just go on with his life and how T would probably do the same thing.

I am going to continue writing him these letters and bringing them in each week.

This Sunday marks my 2nd week in a depresive episode. When I got home from therapy I begain to cry-- not just cry, but sob violently. Then I slept.

Even though I am so sad, the fragments came back together a bit today. I feel like the connection is returning.

That didn't stop me from telling him at the end of the session that I wanted to throw the fan at him.

He said, "When you first started to express anger at me it was simply a book. Then we graduated to a vase. Now it is a full electrical device with a blade. You are doing a great job. Really."

I let him in today. Physically, he was so close. So I let him in.