Something recently happened to me that just really has shaken me to the core. I wanted to share it somewhere. I feel truly let down by the support system I'm supposed to have in place. I am a longtime sufferer and survivor of depression, anxiety, trauma and abuse. Only within the last two years have I received help from professionals (medications and psychotherapy). I've never been ok, but I've been a bit better with both of those things.

I went through daily chaotic environment for 23 years, and my mentality to handle emotional pain, or feel trapped in it, is very low. Recently I found myself in that place and in an unbearable amount of emotional pain and I did something I said I would never do, I didn't understand, and couldn't dream of. I took a knife and began cutting into my arm. (Note -- about a week later now, I only have three small scars and the rest healed without much of a to do), but I cannot believe I made it to that point, that low -- I'm still shaken up that I did something I KNEW i'd never do...

I suffer with suicidal thoughts, but I have always known I wouldn't act on them. How can I trust in that feeling when I always knew I wouldn't cut myself? I saw the damage that type of thing does to a person. I called a mental institution who laughed at me, literally. Told me if I have a plan to kill myself to call back. I told my therapist and he shrugged it off-- oh well, just don't do it.

I have no want to do it again nor did it do anything to relieve the pain I was feeling that I can consciously say.. but everyone acts like it's not the big of a deal, and just I need to "fix it". My therapist is very understanding and we don't often stand at different ends of the spectrum in terms of help, but I think he sincerely undermines the significance of this for me, and how fatigue and chronic illness -- mental or otherwise debilitates you to a point where "rational understanding" becomes irrational. I feel alone. I feel crazy, I feel like I'm without any help. I don't know where to go or what to do. I just walk through the day hoping to find some answer. . I'm still wearing long sleeves and sweaters to hide my arm. It's so embarrassing. Within 2-3 more days I'll be able not to I think, but until then I'm too afraid to go without it. The intensity of pain and the level I had to be at to do that was more than I've ever been at, to betray the very core of my beliefs and thinking. Why am I alone in thinking I really need to take this seriously?