Hello Brentus: I'm sorry you have had this most unfortunate experience. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail here. But suffice it to say that your experiences do not surprise me.

Self-harm has been a problem for me too. I've also made 2 serious bids to end my life, both of which ended with me being admitted to 2 different hospital psychiatric wards. Yet, once I was out, both times it was like I had just been out of town for a couple of weeks. I also feel alone & crazy most of the time. But everyone around me just wants to pretend everything's okay... so that's what I give 'em.

It used to be that I would walk through the day hoping to find an answer. However, at this point, I've come to the conclusion there is no answer. Everything simply is what it is. It's left to me to figure it all out on my own, to whatever extent that is possible; & to find the strength within to live with things the way they are to the extent that it is not.

I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...