Sometimes I want my T to know I'm a horrible person. I want her to see how messed up I am. I dance between two sides of honesty and hiding. I do it because I'm scared. I look at what I'm doing and have no idea why. Why is this important. Why do i do the dance. There is so much complexity in the subtlties in my life, I'm not sure she'd understand, give me comfort, unless the mutedness was brightened. Tensions made alive. Stresses real inside. I hope she sees im horrible., yet I equally work to show I'm good. Its so crazy sometimes I wonder where I really fall on the spectrum of white to black. What would she really think if she saw me? Possibly better, possibly worse than she thinks now. But yet I need her to know I'm bad, then horrible, yet good. Why am I this way? I think I wish to elicit disgust and to push her to see me as aweful as possible. To know an out of control, hurting person as I am. To know as ugly a picture as I present, she would care.To tell her .. don't freakin feel sorry for me, I'm on a tirade and I'm going to "F" myself and others up. - and I can't stop. and plz help me stop being bad, horrible, and good. I just want to be.

ev