Went to the store to buy some pens, came out with a folder, some cereal, and some benadryl, oops, went out to eat with my Grandma. Still have my toothache, but I think it is because my gums are bleeding, idk, not going to go to the dentist right yet. Going to keep putting on oragel (Sp?) and rinsing with salt water and take some ibuprofen to help.the pain. Did some of my DBT homework, still have to write those letters, but I'm scared to, I don't want the recipients to be mad at me, one is my current case manager and the other is my old case manager. Idk how I'm going to word them, especially to my current case manager cause that on is about her not believing my autism diagnosis, even though I was dx'ed in 2012, and I'm wor on getting the records to prove it to her and my psychiatrist, my therapist already believe me cause she asked me if I'd been tested, and she said it made more sense than BPD, as she is a DBT therapist and works with clients with borderline personality disorder. My Mom forced me.not ot believe my DX until this year, cause she said my personality changed after I got dx'ed, well hasn't she ever heard of other mental illnesses and possible mild untreated psychosis (which I believe I was starting to go into not too long after my autism diagnosis), that's where my personality changed and I still haven't recovered from it, it lasted for a.freaking year, if not longer, but it was very mild though, if it really was psychosis, I have to show my therapist and psychiatrist some.stuff I wrote in other threads on here and see what they say. But back to my ASD dx, no one but my dad, his Gf and my therapist and myself believe it, probably my Grandpa as well, but he's dead so I can't talk to him abou t it, but I have in the past, and he said he's noticed something was off about me since I was little, and we have video proof of it. So the letter to my current case manager is going to have to wait until I get my records to prove to her I have ASD (the Aspergers type). So now I will just focused on writing the one go my old.case manager about him telling me to "push thorough" my anxiety a couple weeks ago when I was in the middle on an anxiety attack. I took it the wrong way, but my therapist wants me to write a letter to him using an approach called the DEAR MAN approach, amd stand up for myself and tell him why it bothered me. Truth is I'm scared to stand up for myself, chase everytime I do I get shot down. My HS band director did this to me when I tried to stand up to him for taking a small solo part away from me amd giving it to someone else even though I could have handled 4 notes, all cause of my visual impairment, which I believe is discrimination, and a year before I had a small.solo part it was a "call and response" part, and I was the call while the first chair trombone was the response. I had no problem with it, even from where I sat (I sat in back) I memorized the part and watched for my cue, we took that piece to district and state band competition and received first place both times, so obviously I didn't mess up my part, didn't hear any mess up in the recording etc. But a year later I couldn't do the same? Wtf and when I tried to talk to him about it he shot ms down saying it was non negotiable, wtf and he though I was a really good player, even giving me the Directors Award, so the solo went to our baritone player who couldn't even play his major solo right. To this day it bothers me, and that I tried standing up for myself and go shot down. This is one reason why I don't stand up or advocate for myself, too.scared of being shot down. So these letters are freaking me the Hell out, because I risk being shot down again. Idk what to do, it's racking my brain to no end, but I have to do it, ugh why can't things be easy for me, I hate my brain sometimes...

TL;DR I have letters to write to stand up to a couple of people.and Im scared to, cause I'm scared of getting shot down.

Sorry this post is so long today, this is just what is on my mind at the moment, and I communicate best in writing (talking about me feelings is hard for me to do).

If anyone makes it through this whole post, you deserve lots of hugs.