Getting your ex-husband's wife into the middle of things is just another way of you being overly involved with him. If his wife has any sense at all, she will absolutely refuse to become an intermediary.

You are hurting because he has moved on into another relationship, while you have not. You want to be his friend and, even, be in contact with his wife. You're right that you need to withdraw from way too much contact with him. You need to accept that there is no room in his current marriage for a third person.

Being co-parents does require some collaboration, but that can be kept down to essentials pertaining to your child's welfare. Maybe texting will work better than phone conversations. It sounds like you are still in love with him. That's awfully painful, but you can get passed that. Your plans to disconnect from him have to be realistic. Your decision to stop any and all contact, reached after 12 hours of crying, is not realistic (unless you have sole custody.)

Keep your interactions with him business-like. Tell him nothing about your own personal life. It's none of his business, for instance, if you start to date someone.

Get out of the house. Seek out friendship. You and he cannot be friends . . . not now, or anytime soon. If you really need an intermediary, use a friend or relative of your own. Perhaps, something can be set up through your local family court. Perhaps, a social worker could be an intermediary.

I'm afraid you have a lot of pain to go through, but it can be gotten through. You have a life to build that doesn't include him. You gave him 14 years. Stop pouring mental energy into what is over. Now, you are free to concentrate on what you want to do for you.