Hello everyone,

I'm not here to be clear because I'm lost in everything about my life. I don't expect answers but that would be a bonus. So that's going to be thoughts.

I am 27, from a quite wealthy family. My parents are engineers, so is my 29 year old sister and so am I. I am not happy at all and I feel sad. I'm going to enumerate my "issues".

1) I don't know what I want to do with my life and I don't try anthing. I chose to be engineer by default; I'm not even sure I like it. All I know is that I am not happy with my job and all I do is the minimum so I don't get fired.

2) I feel very lonely and I am alone. I have no friends, maybe one or two. The result is no social life, no friends, no girlfriends (last contact with a woman was the secretary at my workplace). Actually, I'm not social and I feel awkward. I can't smile.

3) I'm shy/I have social anxiety/I have no balls/I'm weird. I'm the kind of guy that doesn't say a word at lunch time, at bars. In the end people don't even look at me and I feel like a ghost. Whenever I try to say something, people around don't react to it or they don't even hear it. I'm very anxious in social situations: I don't know what to say, don't know where to look, feel weird. I finish lost in my mind. Another consequence is a continuous poker-angry-sad face. The problem is that I feel like I've been like this since childhood. I always had a hard time being social; I stayed in my mothers' legs, letting my parents decide everything for me. I remember crying all the time during my summer camps, asking for my parents. I've always been (not bullied) but be the victim in groups. I remembered my grandpa telling me I'm weird, remember an adult saying I'm not cool, my teaching telling me to speak more, another one telling me I'm shy.

4) I'm insecure/needy/I have no self confidence. I hate myself. I hate looking at myself. When I feel people looking at me, I get shaky and lose control of everything I do. When I see a girl I find pretty I react like I'm not interested. I finish everytime fantasming about relation and never make a move. I always doubt about my capacity; so much that I never take actions.

5) I'm anxious 24/24 7/7. I'm scared of taking actions, of what people would think. I'm in a open space and making a phone call is the hardest thing ever. I'm so anxious I cannot sleep at night. Can't even take a tennis lesson 'cause my arm shakes everytime it's my turn.

6) A family drama (I was 13) where I almost lost my sister made me become more and more lonely. A complicated situation with my mother not accepting my sister illness and my sister going worse and worse... How the f**k was a 13 year old kid supposed to react to vomit in the sink, extreme hand cleaning, 35 kg sister, to people talking about his weird sister, to seeing his sister going to the hospital because of her thinness (yes she was anorexic and she has OCD). Nobody helped me.
I stopped doing sports (I was very good at sports) and played the computer until my 22, just doing this. I feel like I had no adolescence. Other guys was having girlfriends, they was partying, drinking (my first binge at 23), having fun while i was having my every evening family drama. The diner time was horrible: mother crying, sister crying, me wanting to cry and go to my room and my games. I had no student life : that was class-home-class-home.

There's a lot more to say and detail.

I've tried and I continue working out, running almost everyday. That helps soothing my anxiety but nothing else. I've tried joining a running group but I can't make friends, I stay alone. I've been meditating, seeing a psychologist, taking medications, reading tons of article about depression, shyness, self-improvment, tried to change my thoughts, to open-up to people, to do new things (like salsa : nightmare (I'm tense, sweat....).
I just finished my first marathon. That was the first time I felt proud about myself. But the next day everything was dark again.

I feel the time going by but nothing changes, nothings happens in my life.

To sum up, I feel like crap, I have suicidal thoughts. I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what to do, what to change, how to reset my brain, how to like myself, how to feel happy, how to find a purpose of waking up, how to be more sociable, how to have something to say, how not to be weird, how not to care about people's opinion, how to be more expressive, how to say to my parents that I'm so sad and depressed, how to tell my sister that I care so much for her. I wish that someone was there to hug me. I miss hugs so much. I miss love. I miss feeling happy.

Who would want someone like me as a friend, as a boyfriend, as a husband, as a coworker. My life is empty, so is my soul. I have nothing to share, but everything to complain about. I know this could be worse but I'm pissed.

I'm pissed of crying everynight, pissed of feeling tired, tired of being me.

Thanks reading that nonsense