hey. i feel like i had just this conversation with my therapist in our last session. i said that i was scared that he would get to know me better and feel repulsed / disgusted by me. sometimes i think i act kinda 'bad' too. partly to push him away before he gets too close and rejects me. partly maybe to test him to see whether he will find me repulsive.

and sometimes i act nice and good and stuff, because i think if only i can act good enough then maybe he won't leave me.

it is hard.

i think maybe it gets better with time. as we take small risks of being vulnerable and find that they don't reject us after all.

i've started telling my therapist (a bit) that i feel scared that he will get to know me and he will get bored / sick of me. sometimes he says 'look forward to seeing you on friday'. that is nice of him. not sure that i believe it... but that is nice of him.