I need friends really. It would have been better if I had just resisted him in the first place. He pursued me and one night I had a couple of glasses of wine and one thing led to another. After that I kept agreeing to it. I even initiated it once. I don't know why other than being lonely. I missed the other guy and he had rejected me so maybe he was a substitute? But he wasn't, I still liked the other guy more. I think this guy knows it. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to commit? I don't know. I know he is envious of him. I told him about it before we ever got together. But it still feels like he's using me. In a way I've used him to get over the rejection of the other guy and the loneliness and hurt I've been feeling, but I do like him. He isn't just anyone to me. But he will never replace him. I haven't heard from that other guy for over a week now so I don't think I will again. It certainly isn't the right time to be with anyone else right now as I'm still not over it. I hope one day I will be because I know he will never want me. As he's not even speaking to me he doesn't even like me as a person and he certainly doesn't care.

Maybe I should have called this thread "Why do I engage in self destructive behaviours?'" Because to a certain degree me and this guy have both used each other. It was never really about sex for me though. I just wish we could be friends only and go back to how it was. After the other guy I just need support and comfort, but not that kind of comfort obviously. I'm not really getting it from anyone else in my life. I think I've pushed the self destruct button for too long over him. If I'm not drinking I'm self harming or hating myself because he rejected me and I wasn't good enough for him or worth being with in that way. I won't go into that again but I feel like he would have been interested if I had been someone else, even though he said he didn't want a relationship with anyone.

I think that's why I'm need to stay away from men, because it can't and won't work out. Whether that guy is in my head or not I'm too f***ed up for a relationship.