I understand....it's all very confusing. I don't know what to do about the meds. Part of me feels I should take them....that if I have another episode it would be all my fault if I stopped taking the meds. This is what the doctors suggest and I've even read it in this forum (reading between the lines a bit but it's still there) I used to always feel like drugs were being pushed on me when I came here.....I worried the people responding behind the screens actually worked for big pharma. Now that I feel I've finally accepted taking the meds, most of what I read here is leading me to resort back to previous thinking. The lifelong side effects of these meds are horrible. I was told not to look up side effects anymore by my doctors and I haven't on my newest med.....now I'm just so darned confused I don't know what to think. Why does every decision have to be so hard.....I might die if I don't take them ...... I might get even sicker if I do. I really need to think about all this....the science is wishy washy and changes depending on the angle you look at it with. Nothing is solid or concrete enough for me.