I think I've blown it with T. Or rather this is just not going to end well.

T has been there recently for me in a crisis but ever since, she just feels unavailable. I haven't had regular appointments for months and haven't seen T since the beginning of August because I live so far away, but we were doing ad hoc phone sessions when I needed them. T has always said to email if I needed to and this has always been a big part of my therapy. Recently I have just sensed T has been too busy for me. Her replies have become much less reliable, as in I could be waiting 4 days for a response, which is not normal for her. It's happened a couple of times in a row now. And I'm not doing well at all, which is why I have been reaching out to her. Last Friday I asked her for an appointment, she said she'd get back to me and keep emailing if it was helpful (although she would be away for the weekend but would try her best to pick up emails). I emailed later on Friday with some troubling thoughts I had been having. I got no response. This morning (Tuesday) I emailed again and asked if she got my mail from Friday. 2 hours later still nothing. I then had to tell her how much stress and anxiety this is all causing me, not knowing really which days she does and doesn't work anymore, if and when I might get a response to emails etc. I feel that she tries too hard and makes promises that she can't live up to. And that hurts me more. The agony I go through waiting for her response is unbearable. This time it was 4 days until I even got an answer regarding an appointment time.

In the meantime I have got so worked up about it all. T replied with apologies and a whole list of her schedule offering appointments on a day I can't do at all. She also said she has family commitments as her daughter (who I am so jealous of) is getting married and she is busy planning the wedding. I responded with a very honest email about how I feel she is becoming less available and it panics me and that I know she is going to leave me eventually and so I feel the best way to cope is to end it my way before she does and leaves me devastated.

I said that I can't deal with the irregularity of everything, that I need security and boundaries and that I'm not getting that. And that I now feel like I have become too much of a burden for her and I have screwed it all up.

T responded and said I haven't screwed up and that I'm asking for what I want and need and that is a good thing. She then offered to talk about it to try to find a way around it.

I don't know what to do. I have said that I may consider finding a more local therapist, that's it's not what I want but may be what I have to do to ease this anxiety. I honestly don't know what to do. T tends to make promises alot and try and go the extra mile for me but then fails to achieve it which then leaves me devastated and feeling like she has forgotten me or doesn't care.

I am so stuck. Deep down I feel this is not good and not right for me and will only cause me more pain in the long run. T has always said that even if she retired, she could still see me. I don't trust that. She tends to blurt things out that she sometimes then retracts. I can't rely on that. Has anyone else had this end in a good way? T has been really maternal towards me and that has been so good for me, but how can it be good when it will be taken away one day and out of my control?? I'm struggling so much with a painful decision. Any advice much appreciated, even if it's harsh. I need to hear it. Thanks.