I remember being diagnosed as a teenager with bipolar, I was put on Lithium but soon after being discharged fom the hospital I stoped taking meds completely. Three years ago I had a very severe manic episode that almost resulted in me being hospitalized. I was excersising 3hours a day, substance abuse, insatiable sex drive, and near the end I literally felt like I was having a mental break from reality and loosing my mind.

I went to see a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar. When he saw me it was when I was in a full blown manic episode so I made his job a little easier I guess.

I was stabalized on 3 different medications and took them consistently for a few months. As soon as I felt better I stopped taking them thinking this is a "mind over matter" thing and I could control myself. I certainly don't want to take drugs the rest of my life it's just a reminder that I'm crazy.

So the past 3 years I have fluctuated between denial, anger, self pity, brief moments of acceptance and then right back to denial. I keep reading the diagnostic requirements of bipolar from different sources hoping to prove my diagnosis wrong.

To be perfectly honest I like the manic parts at least until I humiliate myself or loose control. I have a therapist who thinks I have borderline personality disorder and a Dr. who insits I'm bipolar. No win situation if you ask me, both diagnosis suck.

I feel like an outcast and like I have noone to talk to. My husband doesn't understand and I don't like talking about it with him anyway, just makes me feel crazy.

I don't even know who I am. I don't know where I begin and where the alledged disease ends? I question everything I do and say and wonder if I'm being manic.

On Friday I did a really good job at work and my heart, and thoughts started racing and right away I was feeling superior. After telling a few people how great I was I started to think maybe this is a hypomanic episode?

I kind of stopped drinking. My husband doesn't allow it anymore (too many problems). Yesterday he was gone during the day I bought a bottle of wine started drinking at 11am and by 1 the bottle was gone, I was throwing up and passed out. My house is a disaster, I've gained weight, have no motivation, and want to sleep all day.

All that on THREE different medications?????

All I can think is I better not screw up this marriage because noone else will have me.