Thanks. Iīm not looking for a mutual relationship or that she reveals a lot about herself but thereīs a difference between T:s in how they show warmth and how much they care about a client.
I think I feel that although Iīm in therapy I feel alone with my problems. My T is pretty good at giving me space to analyze issues and problems and to respond back to me with sequences from her own life, from a friend of hers or such but I donīt feel a "we" in what we are doing. I donīt feel she cares if I end up not having changed, I know she wants me to but she wouldnīt care if I didnīt.
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Originally Posted by itisnt
I do understand the need, want, urge or pining for close, mutually revealing friendships in most humans. I think it's programed into our DNA. But, and this is a big BUT, therapy relationships cannot become deeply personal or mutually revealing; they are professional relationships, designed to assist people in solving issues they seek to address. Once the focus is taken off the client and the therapist begins to reveal and ask for "help" or support by becoming vulnerable to the client, I think things quickly go south. You only have to read posts in this forum to see how hurt people become when "professionalism" goes out the window.
But I also recognize that "therapy" conducted in a solid boundaried professional manner can be hurtful to many clients. They deeply want and need emotional closeness with another person and he/she finds the professional therapy relationship too hurtful and painful, awakening intense feelings of longing and resentment. Because the T is working from a professional focus and the client wants something more intimate and balanced in regard to giving and taking, things go a off kilter. I'm not sure how that can be resolved. I think that is why some people simply find therapy unhelpful and in some cases damaging.
I don't see your need for a more warm and authentic T as something that is out of bounds. I know that I've had Ts who were warm and authentic, while still maintaining a professional therapeutic demeanor. I wasn't their friend. I would never be their friend, and I was never more important to them than they were to me. They were someone I hired to help me deal with life issues and when we were done working on the issues, I wouldn't see them again unless we ran into each other on the street or I made another appointment to see them again professionally. Hard reality for some, but it is what it is. I hope you're able to talk about it with your T, you might be surprised to find that you will gain some really important insights about yourself and your approach to relationships. It might deepen the work or you might decide that a therapeutic relationship is not something you want to engage in because it isn't helpful to you.
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