I was first dx'ed at 18. I laughed in the doctor's face. I said there's no way I'm bipolar, I'm never happy! I didn't know about mixed states at the time. I spent most of my time cycling between severely depressed and mixed. I believed the Borderline personality Disorder dx, but not the bipolar one. I thought all my problems were stemming from my childhood, which they were, to an extent. I had a hellish year with lots of self-destructive behavior and seven hospitalizations that ended in a suicide attempt and my first round of ECT.

After the ECT I felt great. I finally felt normal. I was no longer depressed, I had a boyfriend (later my husband), and I was getting **** done. I applied to school, got accepted, etc. The doctor in my php program still tried to convince me i was bipolar, just hypomanic. I said no way. I thought all doctors were liars and bipolar was overdiagnosed, a label they just stuck you with no matter what was wrong. I thought they were the crazy ones. Looking back I might have been slightly hypomanic, but didn't recognize it as such.

I was stable for the most part for six years. I had periods of depression, periods of agitation, but never what i would consider to be mania (because I thought mania had to euphoric). And those periods never lasted very long. Every time I would think, "Maybe I should go talk to someone", the next morning I would wake up and be fine. so I went on.

Then **** hit the fan. I became severely depressed. Not only that, I finally had a real hypomanic euphoric episode. I remember singing and dancing around the house, and I remember washing dishes so fast I nearly broke them and my husband threatened to call my mom to tell her how i was behaving because I was acting so strange. But I thought, this is GREAT! I feel like superwoman! So I didn't seek help till my next depressed episode, which included major agitation as well.

So of course I was dx'ed bipolar. I joined these forums and started learning about BP and how it can manifest. But i wavered back and forth between believing the dx and thinking I was just overreacting to normal life events, that it was MY fault, and that there was some way to just "get over" it myself. Even after antidepressants threw me into a psychotic mixed episode I still didn't believe the dx. I thought it was the medication's fault and I would be just fine if I didn't have any meds in me.

So I went off all medication. I did well for about six months. But what really clinched the dx for me and made me truly believe it was when i went manic. I was so high. it devolved into a mixed state with psychosis. I thought people could read my mind and were trying to harm me. It was terrifying. I ended up hospitalized. And this time, I could not blame it on the meds. I had gone psychotic all on my own.

That was two and a half years ago. Since then I do not question my diagnosis. I know what I'm like. I know what will happen if I stop meds. Recently I've tried to justify stopping meds, since Invega has caused me to gain 50 pounds and caused pre-diabetes because of the weight gain. but I know what I'm like without meds. I'm too scared to go off of it.

So overall it took me about ten years to finally accept my diagnosis.