At first I accepted it, but then I fought it, stopped the meds and became acutely manic. Even a hospitalization with acute mania (which was dealt with via Zyprexa short term) did not convince me that I had a serious disease, but I reluctantly agreed to taking Lithium alone. In hindsight, this was simply due to identifying with Kay Jamison (I had parties in my life history that were similar to her description of parties, and I love to write about myself, like her); Jamison idolizes Lithium. I now suspect that Lithium does not do a thing for me.

On Lithium, I had acute psychosis, during which I took my bike outside to be picked up by thieves, mailed gold jewelry to various connections of mine, including to Germany, and ultimately ingested detergent in a self-punishment act. Was outside on the streets of my city dressed in nothing but a winter jacket, thinking that I was in hell having died without noticing it. Somebody alerted the authorities and I was taken to ER. I was put on Risperdal for what I thought would only be 6 months "to heal the brain from psychosis" and I hoped to go back to Lithium monotherapy. Risperdal was a horrible medication that made me more depressed than I had even been before, including completely off meds. I became suicidal twice. Second time around it was really bad and I remembered that Geodon helped in the past, and asked for it. It relieved the suicidality soon and since I resumed it in May I have been doing better and better, and am now titrating down Lithium in the hopes to go off it completely. I have no side effects to Geodon and on Lithium I get chemical burn (damage to teeth) and low thyroid function, so if I can get rid of it, I happily will. Only after I experienced the sudden relief from suicidality did I realize both how ill I am (I no longer fight the diagnosis) and how incredibly lucky I am to have a medicine that works without side effects.

My first diagnosis came in 2006 and I fully accepted it only in 2016 and only based on evidence that cannot be disputed.

I am both regretful I did not accept it earlier because I got into all kinds of trouble when I was off Geodon and happy that I tried all options before becoming fully convinced.