Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum
I don't enjoy the depressions and fluctuations of energy and mood. I don't enjoy the intense, obsessive anxiety. I don't like the self-hatred I experience during depressions.
I love, however, the positive side of having a brain that works differently. I like my unique thought process. I like my vision and the fact that I have big dreams-a perspective I probably wouldn't have had had I never been hypo/manic.
I like the fact that I've suffered (didn't like it at the time, of course) because it has made me a better, more mature, deeper person. It also helps me appreciate my health now more.
I even like my hallucinations. They make me feel special, because I am the only one that can see/hear them. Also, they are pretty much the only symptom I have now, so they are a reminder of how strong I am for getting through everything I've dealt with, now sitting on the other side.
Manic depressive illness is fascinating. I never tire of studying it. I appreciate the fact that I have first-person insights into it.
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I am of the same persuasion. That said, I am glad that I am now stable on Geodon, even though it means no euphoric hypomania - I am glad because it means that I do not have to be depressed. But the insights I gained about my life from my hallucinations are priceless, and my creativity is a by-product of the illness - I was not creative before.
I am able to empathize with suffering because I have been through suffering. I do not want more suffering but I acknowledge that suffering has made me a more thoughtful, sensitive person. I also gave me keen appreciation of simple pleasures, because I have such strong memories of times when nothing was pleasurable.
To sum up, I enjoy being bipolar but prefer effective treatment of it to be stable. I very much enjoy being stable because I am capable of valuing it - people who are not mentally ill take stability of mood, ability to have a good night's sleep, lack of anxiety for granted. I do not.