Thanks everyone. No I didn't call T. But I'll see him tomorrow when I guess I'll show up for group. Hopefully I can figure out what I want and ditch what I don't want.

Yesterday I just drank a lot and went to a Halloween party. For those of you who saw my other posts, it didn't turn out as badly as feared because my ex and his girlfriend changed their costumes at the last minute. That was really kind of them since I don't know how they managed to come up with new stuff the day of Halloween, but they did. Luckily. I'd been so anxious though that I couldn't really have a good time. I had a few serious conversations with a couple of people there (not very party-like!) but mostly felt sad.

Today I went out to the finish line of a marathon (Marine Corps) happening here. I was waiting to see my sister and her husband when they finished. At first I was standing near the finish line, and there was this loud d.j. welcoming the runners. And they were playing all this dramatic music as people made it to the finish line, all ecstatic. And that started making me so emotional that I had to get away from it. If I'd kept standing there at the finish line I would have just cried and cried. Would have felt pretty stupid standing there in a crowd crying over dramatic music and happy runners. What the hell. So I went on over to the family link-up and found my sis and her husband. They were happy. My sister was shaking like a leaf from the run. I was happy to see them. I hated when we parted.

Now I'm home again. Don't know what I'll do. I bought this new computer and it came a couple of days ago. It still sits here in a box because I've lost interest in it. I was realizing on the way home from the marathon (long walk back) that I don't have desire any more. I just don't want anything. Except maybe not to be alone. Sometimes I start going kind of nuts when I'm alone.

My new job isn't bad at all, but I stress about being new and not knowing yet whether they'll like my work etc. Every day I'm just hoping that the time will go by quickly. It's almost a constant prayer in my head to make the time pass by.... I'm happy because I have to leave early tomorrow to see an eye doctor! Ordinarily I don't look forward to having my eyes dilated and all that.... Now it seems better than the minute-to-minute stress. I guess I'll just try to survive. Maybe one day I'll want things again or stop feeling worthless or something. I don't know.

Thanks for listening,
Sidony