no its weird
its like time just stops for a second and its not quite right. like in a dream where people arent where they're supposed to be or things are out of place. everyhting just doesnt look exactly like it should and it freaks me out. so sometimes i cut or burn or bang because it is proof im not asleep or fake. you dont usually feel physically pain in dreams

now the bigger problem is that im cutting again now that swim team is ending. club just isnt the same as the high school team. dont get me wrong, the workouts are hard, but its never going to be as hard as team. its 2.5 hrs per day instead of 4 or 5 and its just not the same.
with swim team i dont have to cut for pain since swimming hurts as much as you want. i can swim really hard, push my limits, and wreck my body which makes me go faster. faster times=happier/prouder coach. its like getting praise for SI.

im going to miss it
rose