Thank god I had T this morning.
I told T even though there been no connect between my adoptive mother and I for some time. I feel everything I've done, everywhere I've gone, everything I've become was still about looking for her approval. Now I feel none of it means anything. Although I realise it will again, but in a different way.
Even my life long search for my birth family I can see now, was about trying to get from them, what I longed for from my adoptive mother.

At the moment I feel like all the bits inside of me are waiting to find a new way of existing.

Through the years today with T I laughed and said, my last words to my mother were "you're just like Hitler". I added "I could have played that one a bit better ".

*laughter mixed with snot & tears*