To all honesty I worked many random jobs in retail (and similar unprofessional jobs) and do now three nights a week because my school district took pay cut and I lost 10k a year. Stores hire all the time. And I live in the state with high unemployment.

Everybody always gets job in retail as long as they are hiring. You have been talking about finding job for so long yet you don't work. I don't understand why. I teach high school and many of my students hold jobs in retail or restaurants etc and these are minors and have documented special needs. They just go fill applications and get hired. Yet you can't get a job at a store

Why don't you spend a day driving around and fill applications for 20 stores. If you do it tomorrow you might already work on Monday!