Thread: What do I do?
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Old Dec 01, 2004, 01:42 AM
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allautumn allautumn is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2004
Location: Ontario
Posts: 146
For a couple years I haven't been able to get my x out of my head (for example, even though I've dated a few guys since, I still refer to him as my X). The last guy, I kept looking at him and SEEING my x, literally. I'd be sitting in his kitchen having dinner, and all of a sudden I was BACK THERE, where I used to live with my x, isolated. I'd revert to this shell of a self. A couple of times it was so frightening I just had to leave. I had a feeling of panic, looking at him, and I wanted to get up and run away. There is no way I could continue a relationship with that guy becuase of these things. I used to dream about my x all the time, and still do occasionally. I've done a lot of talking about it and trying to figure things out, but regardless I just can't stop thoughts of that time from coming up, no matter how hard I try not to. It makes me angry at my self. I had to get rid of almost everything that reminded me of him, it made me feel nauseaus... I think I see him on the street and my stomach goes to knots, my heart beats like crazy and my palms sweat. A couple times I thought I saw him in my neighbourhood, walking past someone's house I saw a picture we used to have on the wall and almost panicked thinking that he'd moved here just to make me miserable. It's been at least two years and still, during a conversation I'll be reminded of HIM, ridiculously unrelated topics... I hate thinking about it. For a long time I couldn't at all, blocked it out with drinking, etc. I've tried to work through it but it still won't go away and I hate it! I'm afraid I won't be able to have a normal relationship because I constantly compare everyone to HIM. Thinking about sex used to just make me cry. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed, I have to turn the light on and check to make sure I'm not still there. When I'm with someone else, I have to remind my self that it's not him. How can I make it stop? I HATE feeling like a victim! Gah!
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