He got it. He really really got it. Therapy has transformed after his time off. After my packing a wobbly about his taking time off, distancing myself from him, becoming a little critical about some of his assumptions / at his approach.

He is accepting of whatever I want to talk about now. Instead of trying to direct me, he is happy to let me talk about whatever. And so now (of course) he is hearing all my judgements about what I'm talking about 'Here I go round in circles again' or 'But it is pointless dwelling on that' or 'But that shouldn't get to me' or whatever. He is noticing those, now, and reflecting them back and then I can see... That I have a long way to go in accepting myself.

It is a bit of a revelation, really.

He is starting to see how much there is in the present now. Interpersonal problems that I have on internet boards and in the department and so on. That where I struggle the most... Is when I perceive in others aspects that I judge in myself. He is seeing that when I tell him about those conflicts he (and we) can gain a better understanding of the aspects of me that I have trouble accepting.

I hope we can work out why / I hope I can get better at accepting. I really really want that. It is important to me to be more empathetic to others, and thats going to correspond to me being more empathetic to myself.

In a way... I think it is more 'supportive' than 'exploratory'. The trouble with what we were doing before (focusing so much on my early experiences) was that they were seeming so disconnected from my life in the present. I was trying to emotionally connect with them. I was trying to work, trying to think about (and feel) that stuff during the week outside therapy. It was starting to consume me, though. Not so good.

Now... We are starting with stuff that is meaningful and I'm hoping that over time we will start to see patterns and eventually be able to meaningfully connect it to the past. I think I give a false impression sometimes of how well functioning I am. He didn't really see how fragile I was, he didn't really see how much trouble I have in functioning. I felt a bit like... My value to him was in my being highly functioning. That that was part of my appeal. That he would grow bored with me / not want to see me anymore if he saw how fragile I was. That he would be disapointed in me if he thought that I wasn't unable to handle the real exploratory work.

But too fast... Things were going too fast. You can't circumvent the process. Well, you can, but that is to divorce the content from the present - the stuff that really matters and is meaningful now.

He is being great. Really really great. Last time... He said he was looking forward to seeing me next time. I've been talking a bit about how sometimes I feel like everyone would be happier if I wasn't around. Or how people wouldn't even notice if I was absent. That is hard for me... He is being nice. That is more meaningful. More meaningful to me right now than crying about how my parents didn't want me. Of course I know that thats where the hurt originates. But... Knowing that (and crying about it) doesn't seem to help. Talking about moments in the present... The rage around that sometimes... The pain around that sometimes... Somehow that IS more meaningful. I don't know...

Maybe we are finding a better balance?

I think this is progress...

Supportive... Exploratory... Whatever it is called... How can I learn to accept me (and whatever pops up in my freaking head) if he can't? He is accepting me now. And so now... I'm free to dig in my freaking heels and its emerging just how much trouble I have in accepting myself. And others. And myself. I love my t. I wonder... If eventually... I might start loving me.