****POSSIBLE TRIGGER****

Over the last month, oddly since my depression lifted, I have been flooded with memories from very distressing events that occurred in the last 15 years. I have been processing them with my T and have felt I made real progress. However in the last few days childhood trauma has resurfaced. I thought it was dealt with.

In my mind many of my woes, my physical and mental illness, plus some poor life choices, are ultimately because of it. Gosh, just last week a specialist told me my jaw issues are due to the trauma. Anger and rage consumes me. I have lost so much. My physical health is very poor (Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia) and prevents me from being able to pursue a career or have any decent social life. PTSD and Bipolar also make it difficult to be reliable. I barely manage 16 hours a week work and 1 unit at university. I have been working with what I've got, trying to find a way forward, trying to be positive and do all I can to be healthy. Oh god, I try with all my heart.

Suddenly today it hit me that much of my suffering and struggle in life is due to this one person who did the most horrific things to me for years while I was growing up. I want to kill him. If not him then me. Even with my deepest rage I am not sure if I am cut out to take another human beings life. But I feel I can't live with this situation. He lives not far from me. The 'justice' system is a joke. I used to be able to just let it go and try to get on with my life but today I am really stuck. To the rage and heartache I am feeling is overwhelming me.

Tonight I spoke to a close friend and she helped calm me enough to keep me safe as long as I can get to sleep soon. Apart from her I have few friends I can talk to so I guess I am just venting. The intensity of my feelings terrify me. I am a pacifist in most circumstances. My mind has been planning and plotting, trying to find the perfect solution but they all end in death. This has just all hit me suddenly. Maybe I can sleep it off. I took some CLonazepam.

Sorry to be so intense. This is really scary. I know this is a PTSD thing but I haven't posted in that forum before so I feel shy. My pdoc and T are uncontactable one weekends. (sometimes my T responds but that is only in very serious emergencies - like I am in ER). I can contact the hospital I have been to but that is only if I need to be hospitalised. My university exam is in 12 days. I have work tomorrow. I need to snap out of this and focus! Not go to hospital.