I think for me the question of why ask the T has terribly specific answers based on both the stage I am at (FKM's point about internal conflict kinda hit the nail on the head) as well as the extent to which I allow myself to feel any kind of an emotional connection to the T.

So, given that currently, other than passing thoughts, I don't feel a striking and persistent sense of urgency, I am open to having a general largely curiosity-driven conversation with a T. Further, since it's barely been a month since I've been with current T, any response she gives me is something that'll have little emotional resonance for me. So, it'll largely be a question along the lines of my wanting to know her experience / expertise etc.

At the time that I was less passively suicidal, I distinctly remember feeling little to nothing. Anyone -- including a T -- telling me how they felt would've just been vague, distant background noise at best.

There have been other times though between these two ends of the spectrum when I believe I would've benefited from asking this question of a T. These were times when my internal world was incredibly chaotic and frightening. On the one hand, I was flooded with emotions and thoughts at a speed and intensity that I clearly couldn't cope with -- a part of the reason for the intensity of the ideation. And yet, at another level, I actually had little access to my emotions in any real way -- everything just seemed out of hand. These times have invariably been accompanied by a searing distrust of all my personal relationships -- so, my ability to connect emotionally with someone other than a well-trained T would be rather low. And yet, it is that bridge to an emotional connection of some sort with another person that's been most needed to get me out of the chaos in my noodle.

Talking to a T then -- especially one that I feel any sense of emotional connection with -- about how they'd feel about it would be a way for me to gain entry into my own emotional world and provide a sort of point of reference. Their actual answer -- that they'd feel terrible or par for the course etc -- wouldn't matter as much as the emotional sense of reaching out to someone who can provide a distanced but emotional sense of grounding while having little stake in my real life. For obvious reasons, no one I am actually connected to in my life can provide me with that. So, using the T to orient myself and have a compass of sorts to make my way out of my internal emotional chaos while at the same time not needing to care about the T's feelings would make asking a question like this rather helpful to me.