Do you ever wonder how it came to be that you're in a confusing mental state? That's where I am right now.

Yesterday was the birthday party of my oldest son's boy. He turns 14 on Hallowe'en. It is also one of the two times that I see my ex in a year's time. Just a couple of days prior, I was talking to a friend and as usual, bath mouthing my ex. There has been a lot of resentment, hurt and anger stored up in me yet from my 12 year marriage to him. He was very controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive.

As I've stated before, his marriage to his third wife has, on the whole, been a payback for what he did to me and my kids. I've rubbed my hands and grinned vicious smiles as I hear what she's done to him and how she's managed to get the upper hand in HER control over him. Payback has been delicious to me... in the past.

Yesterday was another matter. The man had a quadruple bypass some 10 yrs ago although it feels like just the other day to me. He has consistently gained weight since before that. He must weigh 400 lbs if he weighs an ounce.

It had trickled down to me that he wasn't doing very well yesterday but I had not seen him since he was inside and I was outside enjoying the block party. The first I saw him was when he was coming out the front door of my son's house, using his cane and being very unsure of the steps he was taking. His wife wasn't 5 feet away from him, but she didn't even turn around to look at him. It was my son that have him his hand to help him down the last step.

The man was walking death! In those short minutes of him coming out the door and getting into the passanger side of his car was enough for me to see that this mean ogre I had been married to was a broken man, and to boot, on death's door.

How anyone, especially his doctor, had not even thought of testing him for diabetes is beyond anyone's comprehension! Someone related to me that his blood sugar was running at 400. One hundred hits borderline diabetes. He was on the verge of a diabetic coma!

You know what? Enough is enough! This goes way over and above payback! If I had wished payback for him, I would have called a halt to it years ago! Through some questioning and evesdropping to a conversation between my husband and my daughter, my ex's wife is killing him through neglect and hatefulness!

There's no way for me to know what my husband was thinking and feeling, but it was his choice to call my daughter and find out where in the loop she fits in. I have since talked to our youngest, my present husband and my child, because I heard that he had talked to my ex for a while. Then I talked to my oldest son (it's his dad). Everyone is in agreement that between my ex's wife and the doctor, my ex is being helped into the grave.

So... what am I feeling? Is it pity? Pity implies either tender or a slightly contemptous component. I have neither feeling. I married him because I pitied him and confused it with love. Compasion implies pity coupled with an urgent desire to aid or to spare. Is it compassion I feel? I don't know. I know that injustice in any form angers me to the point of rage! I'll own that one!! You bet!! Is that why I want this evil woman turned in for elder abuse? Is that why I want my ex's kids to fight for the money that she wants from the sale of the condo that her and my ex bought together?

I know none of this is my responsibility. It's actually none of my business... except that what is left of this man happens to be the father of two of my children; it affects them and it affects their kids. It even affects my youngest son which in turn affects me, too. Not to mention that I have a history with this man, no matter how ugly is was.

So, can I say "forgiveness"? It certainly isn't "indifference" anymore! I feel compassion for this shell of a man... and where did THAT come from??? And WHY??

I've done all I feel I can do for now. I've written my oldest son an email and filled him in about all the advantages of Medicare, both medical and personal. My ex can have a Personal Provider like I have to help him with all of his personal needs including diet. He can have a visiting nurse come check on him. Etc, etc, etc. I've told my son that if he needs any more help, I'm behind him all the way.

Why do I feel I want to do more???? Could it possibly be that I saw myself when I saw him come out of that door, almost dead yet having to fend for himself... alone... feeling unloved and uncared for? Was it my imagination or did I really see a fleeting look of hope on his face when he gave me a quick glance? Do I need to find out... or do I need to leave it alone, not go there? Why the holy hell am I in tears???????