Sabby, I have quite a few close friends who know a lot about me. I even admitted to them I am sorta crazy (one of them came with hypothesis it's an "artist thing").

My not being "nicety nice" is really not about holding people back at this point. I can draw the line.

It just comes from within. Being angry is not reaction of not wanting to get hurt... it's reaction that *happens*. I am a cynical person because... events of recent months made me cynical. I am protecting myself, but not in the way of "being too afraid of being hurt by people".

I am not directing my anger or cynicism to my friends. In fact I am the one who brings christmas cookies and tries to make people get along. I can be nice to people in my network...

But these people can accept me the way I am somehow. Even if I have dark side, which is not pretended. In fact, I try to pretend to be "nicer" than I am at times. Smiley and ladylike...

Thanks for your input though. I wish I could share more details, but I don't feel safe oversharing in public space.

I actually used to be a girl who'd put up barbed wire and walls to see who can bet past...

I guess lately some of the inner darkness just emerged. Some dark thoughts I wish that weren't there. But maybe it is okay. Maybe I don't have to be the regular version of nice, sweet little ladylike woman...