I'm going through exactly the same thing. I thought I'd dealt with it but it's obvious now that I never did. What is getting to me the worst is that the people who abused me not only hurt me when it happened, but they forever altered my life in ways I'm just now realizing. It feels like they ruined me. It's so painful.

I relate to the feeling that is all ends in death. My heart breaks for you. Let your professionals know what is happening if you can. If I can help you in anyway, feel free to send me a pm. (((Hugs)))