Part of MI is rejecting the help that is offered. This is fairly normal and a challenge for most clinicians. Keep in mind that most of us (myself included) went through a time when we believed that who we were was "normal". I spent about 30 years thinking that my asshole ways were simply a product of my personality and that was just who I was. I was driven, energetic, standoffish, and "superior" to most. That's what I believed. Then, my family rallied around me and urged me to get some help. Sometimes, those around us are the best observers of who we are. I was in denial for many years. Then, it was explained to me what was wrong - based on a professional opinion - and I went with it. I had to be honest with myself.

I can't debate the nature of angels or spirits - I'm not a doctor, I only play one on TV. But relative to your concern about medication being poison, I can only attest to where I'm at right now. I take lithium - I don't particularly like it but it doesn't physically bother me. And those around me tell me there's a noticeable change in my behavior even though I don't always see it. Life gets in the way and we don't always recognize the need for improvement, or the improvement itself. It certainly is your right to be on or off some medication, but look for something that helps you improve and try not to fight it all the way home. When we dig our heels in, it negates our resolve to get well.

From reading your posts, it sounds like you're more concerned with the medication than the actual reason for the medication. Consider a wider, holistic approach that builds you up. At age 50, I took up mountain climbing. My family thinks I'm "crazy" - literally. I go off by myself and pick some tough climbs in my area - 4000 and 5000 feet. I'm climbing a 5500 foot mountain in a few weeks......and its winter up there! Why do I do it? It's what I need to do. It gives me a challenge, something to plan, something to feel good about. If you can find something that gives you a serious purpose and channels your mind, maybe the meds can take a back seat in your treatment plan.

OK, that's it for now. Rock on, Sister Eden.