I have to quit smoking because it's becoming too expensive.

I smoke a lot I guess. About half a pack a day, sometimes more, sometimes less, depending. It's gotten worse recently, since I moved back in with my husband and daughter.

My husband even commented on how it seems like it's gotten worse, and I couldn't tell him why really. But then I started thinking about it, and it's because I have no idea how the future is going to play out. I'm freaking out about it constantly. Our plan is to get our own place again in June, after our daughter is done with the school year here. But how are we going to get our own place again if I don't get disability?! I can't work full time right now. Working part time would be pointless because I'd be working so we could pay for a sitter pretty much.

Why can these disability people not tell me their decision RIGHT NOW. At least some sort of indication either way. I called to let them know that I have a new doctor, only to be told that my case has been closed and that I should call the SSI office. So I called them because I haven't gotten a letter in the mail, waited on hold for an hour, and then was told that my case was in some sort of review period and they'd let me know the final decision at the end of December, whatever that means.

So now I'm freaking out about that, trying to figure out what it means. I mean, if they were going to deny me, wouldn't they just do it? Why would they sit and review that decision?!

I can't stand this. I feel like puking constantly.

How could they deny me?! How much more ****ed up do I need to get?!

This waiting is just killing me.

So I've been smoking like a chimney and need to quit and just the thought of quitting is making me feel like puking.

Damn it! I'm going to go have a cigarette right now!!!