I have always had a hard time letting go. My ex and I broke up a little over three months ago and I am still somewhat harping over it. Everything turned into a mess out of nowhere. I mean...I thought the relationship was going fine and then suddenly we got into a big fight and my classic fear of abandonment kicked in. So the second she suggested a break up (although was totally willing to talk it out) I flipped and said we needed to break up (I wanted to have a say in the choice and was so scared that I actually caused her to leave me). Then came the suicidal tendencies which have followed every break up for me. This was the only girl I truly loved though. She was a good friend for nearly two years before we called each other girlfriends. And she was the best relationship I have ever had (which is probably why it hurts so much more to lose her).

I disociated and all I remember via text is her saying "I will not be degraded." I have no idea what I said to her. Then later she said "stop contacting me" and I asked "forever?" She said "don't ask me that", but I asked again and she said "yes." Now...I assume it was because she was upset/angry. I reached out several times to her via a mutual friend including writing her a letter that took me three hours to write. The friend said she wouldn't bother to read it. Apparently my ex said she had heard enough apologies. I didn't give up though...unable to fathom that someone I knew so long and who loved me so dearly could just wash her hands clean of me so quickly.

She got so mad that she got me banned from the college campus that I graduated from, but she still goes to. And I had two warnings from the police telling me not to contact her. I wish I was making this up because it is a nightmare and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It's highly unlikely she'll speak to me ever again...even as just friends. She's got this idea that I'm an evil stalker. Until she gets rid of that, I'd say she won't come back. Though she should have known me better after over two years knowing each other.

Me reaching out was just me trying to reach out and fix things. She just had no interest. I suppose I just kept pushing...again not wanting to believe she could wash her hands clean of me so quickly.

So I lost a close friend and a girlfriend. I'd go so far as to call her the love of my life. Though she most certainly went too far with the campus and police things. That was not necessary, but I suppose she thought that it was. Anyway...I have to hold myself back from even saying hello to her. One slip...one tiny text...one tiny e-mail or message...and I could go to jail. My mother said "there are plenty of good people in jail" but I don't want to be one of them. I'm young (22) and just starting on my career path. I don't need a misdemenor on my criminal record...then have to explain why I was charged with stalking. Mind you, I was in no way dangerous. She just got pissed off and took action...too much. I wouldn't necessarily put it past her to report me to the police if I said so much as hello (as mentioned before).

Now...this has been so bad I've attempted suicide three times within the past three months. And I'm not considering a fourth. You may say "get help", however, I took a month and a half off of work. I went intensive outpatient, then inpatient, then more outpatient. I just returned to work today. The first day was good, but I know more stress is coming.

Anyway...the grossest thing is that I'd like to die just to show her how much she hurt me. And then she would have to live with her choice to throw me out the rest of her life. It's sick of me to think this way. I really don't want to hurt her (although it's hard to say that she'd actually give a **** if I died) or anyone in my family like that. But I fantasize about it. I write notes. I think about it often. I don't do it. I've worked so hard to get better yet I cannot seem to do so. She is off in la la land not giving a **** about me while I have continued to suffer. I want her back. I love her. And I forgive her because I really think she only did what she did because she didn't know what else to do. In fairness, I was warned that if I contacted her one more time she would report me. I didn't believe she'd do so. I kind of tested her. Lo and behold, she did it.

So...how...how do I get over this? I can easily say this is the worst pain I have felt in my life. To lose someone you knew over two years...to just be thrown out when you make quite a few mistakes...to have that person be totally uninterested in trying to work things out...to have that person discredit your whole being. It is the worst pain I have felt. Not to be political, but let's say I am NOT a Trump supporter. Hate the guy. Why I say this...I literally would not wish this kind of pain on even him! That's how bad it is. Try as I might I am almost constantly in pain wondering if one day she will remember who I am. I beat myself up constantly. And the only way I can figure to get her attention without going to jail is killing myself. Jail or death OR moving on. I've tried so damn hard and I just get tired of trying. I want to be done trying no matter what that may mean. Self-care...self-love...coping methods...DBT...it's hard work. I just want it to be easy...and I know it won't ever be easy.

I think of the song "I hate that I love you." It's me. I don't want to love her anymore. She doesn't love me anymore (judging by her actions). She has so much control over my life whether she knows it or not. She also did A LOT of damage to me. I'm forgiving though and I cannot discredit her full being like she did to me. I understand people make mistakes and I hold no hard feelings against her. I wish she could do the same toward me. What in the world am I to do? So tired...so so tired.