When I was in an Intensive Outpatient Treatment program (12 years ago,) I brought him in for some couple's counseling with my psychiatrist. She asked him how he managed to put up with me. He replied that he just let whatever I said go over his head. My pdoc responded that "Yeah, that's pretty much what you'ld have to do." This doctor seemed to think I was just a pain in the *****.

One of her conclusions was that I was an alcoholic and she had me breathalyzed every morning at 8 a.m. Some of my peers who had histories of serious substance abuse took me aside and warned me that I was being way too open with the staff. They understood that I was not a heavy drinker, but that the staff would blow up molehills into mountains. On that score my boyfriend did stick up for me, denying that I had an alcohol problem. Six years earlier, he had finally sobered up after many years of alcoholic abuse. My first 12 years with him entailed me being the main bread winner, while he often staggered home drunk every second night. Sometimes I think that he has been a user and I have been a fool.

He's not one to read anything other than the newspaper, now and then.

I feel like just going home to my apartment and leaving him on his own.

I am content in his company when I feel okay, mentally, which is a lot of the time. But when I am depressed, I'm better off alone. Like he told that pdoc, he just tunes me out when I'm not upbeat. It feels very isolating. He just finds something to watch on TV and gives it his complete attention. He has told me he has no idea how to help anyone who is depressed. When a person wants to stay stupid about something, there is no penetrating that wall of ignorance.