This will be my first post on this forum, and even if no one responds i feel it will be helpful to get some of my thoughts out here;

I am 34 years old, and have been with my partner for nearly 9 years this fall. She is 28. Before Rachel i and met i had been dealing with my own bouts of depression, she came into my life as a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. I was decreasing my anti depressant, and feeling as if i had a better grip on my emotions and the tools to handle them. I was seeing a counselor regularly and felt a good understanding of where i wanted to go. With help from Rachel as an excellent partner i really left my depression in the dust. I rarely feel the deep hopelessness i had in the past.

Today i felt that hopelessness creep in. It was during a somewhat heated conversation that my partner revealed to me about a time i had been stern with her about leftovers being thrown away. I can barely remember the time she is talking about, but i do have a pet peeve of being wasteful. She continued to tell me that her negative self talk regarding this interaction, and many interactions like it paralyze her into not being able to make decisions about many things in her life.

This would not be the first time Rachel has revealed to me that something i said a very long time ago has been bothering her since, and normally i listen and try to validate her, and even apologize, sometimes not even remembering the situation but trying to move forward from these times i have been stern. For some reason this this morning when she told me this i was overcome with hopelessness, like over the last 9 years as a presumptuous 20 year old im going to be punished by having to relive things i said. Many before i had any idea about effective communication, or any relationship counseling.

Rachels history is that she has been treating herself for depression since middle school age either through alcohol, marijuana, or about 5 years ago started taking sertraline. About a year ago during relationship counseling our therapist asked her about why she was on sertraline so long. He informed us that she shouldnt be on it. Right around the same time Rachel gave up alcohol. Fast forward to now and Rachel is still alcohol free, been seeing her counselor regularly learning CBT and through some slow reductions she is off of sertraline.

Now im noticing her struggling much with her depression. Rachel sometimes spends hours rocking her self on the couch, a self soothing technique she has used since child hood. She uses a very harsh tone with me, during many of these times, or has the crack in her voice like she may cry any second. She says things about herself, about how bad she is, or she shouldnt be around any people. I know this isnt true, she is a great person. I dont know why she talks to herself in such a negative way.

I want to know how to support her in these times, and beyond? Is there a better medicine? Should she be sticking with CBT? is there something better?

Its gotten to the point where i know if let that hopeless feeling in, it can swallow me up. It did today, hearing how hurt she was by her interpretation of what happened really filled me with dread. I know im not an angel, but i have also come a long ways in how to effectively communicate. I often have to remind Rachel to please be mindful of her tone, and today i may have over reacted but she began to pull out hairs in front of me. So i left the house, and asked her to please find a safe space to calm down. I could not watch her do that to herself. I fear a little for my own mental health while trying to be there for my partner.

Im willing to honestly answer any questions about myself, my partner, or our relationship to the best of my ability if anyone thinks they can help.

Thank you for taking the time to read this time.