I don't have any advice, I just want you to know I understand. I understand what you're feeling as I'm going through very similar. And I didn't want to read and not reply. I don't want you to feel alone.
I think we are the only ones who have the answers, we just don't know how to get to them, and maybe that is because we are protecting ourselves? Who knows. It's all so confusing.
But you're not alone.