I am also currently fighting this inescapable cycle of paralyzing "laziness" (as self-critical people like us would call it..). I have messed up basically every aspect of my life, but I do know that I still have a window of time to get myself together before I have truly ruined things for myself. I have made little attempts to fight it over the past 4 years, but they have all ended with me back at square one. Right now I feel an immense urgency to make this change the one that sticks. I have no idea if I am capable, and I still do not understand if it depression or some type of phantom physical ailment that has caused me to be so unable to make myself do my work, but I know that sitting down and coming up with a plan still can be me just a touch of energy and hope every once in awhile. I hope that you do the same, and we both beat whatever this is. You are not alone in dealing with this, and you deserve to recover.