I remember and can understand how what you experienced was extremely traumatic. Yet, I also know you are smart and one of the ways that can help you is bringing in some information that can help you gain more control over the emotional overwhelm. And also the challenge that happens when something significant to someone is suddenly no longer a part of their lives.

I know it's a bit early, but maybe you might consider adopting another cat as that would ease the part in you that still wants that presence where you go through the motions of feeding and caring and having a presence that shows you your care is appreciated.